Relating to Dyke Separatists: Hints for the Non-Separatist Lesbian

Marty, with the help of the dykes of S.E.P.S.* (1983)

From For Lesbians Only: A Separatist Anthology edited by Sarah Lucia Hoagland and Julia Penelope (1988, Onlywomen Press)

• Do not try and defend the 'humanity' of some men to a separatist. It's a waste of her time; she's probably already heard your argument hundreds of times and does not want to hear it again!
• Do not tell a separatist, 'Yeah, I hate men too except for my father/brother/son/cousin/ex-husband/faggot friend...He's really an exception, he's really okay.' She doesn't want to hear about him or how you like him! Every male who has violated a female was loved and nurtured by some womon somewhere who thought of him as special.
• Do not protest in dismay or horror when we say pricks/puds/smegma/------ for whom are commonly referred to as men & boys. Maybe you think those terms are 'inhuman,' 'extreme,' 'horrendous,' 'unfair.' The crimes that men and boys have committed against womyn and girls are inhuman, horrendous and unforgivable. We name our enemy accordingly.
• Most womyn are survivors of men's rape and abuse. Most lesbians in one way or another have been the targets of male assault and sexual crimes. Don't assume that we are separatists because we have been unusually vicitimized by men.
• Don't assume a separatist is a survivor of rape and incest.
• Don't assume that she is not.
• Don't assume that you are not.
• If a separatist is a rape or incest survivor, don't assume her separatism comes out of her being 'controlled by her victimization,' that she 'can't deal with men because she's damaged,' and that if she were 'free of her victimization she could learn how to relate to and respect some men.'
• Especially for the therapists & counselors: Do not conclude that a separatist should 'work through her anger at her father/brother/son/uncle/ex-husband/grandfather/stepfather (or any other males of any age at any time in her life) in order to let go of her rage and integrate men into her life.' This attitude is a very condescending power trip that says separatists can't know what's best for our growth and survival.
• Do not assume that it is a privilege for all separatists to be separatists, that we are all 'privileged lesbians' who can 'afford' to separate from men and run off some place free and safe from men.
• Do not assume that because we are separatists we have magical lives where we do not have to deal with men! Most separatists--whether living in rural, small town, or urban areas--have to deal daily, constantly with men as our bosses, co-workers, landlords, social workers, doctors, jailers, neighbors, etc. They and their pricks are everywhere!
• Do you ever find yourself thinking, 'If she's a separatist, how come she's so friendly to the male landlord/repairman/boss, etc.?' Remember that we live in a world dominated by male power and authority. Because a separatist may exemplify what is seemingly 'common courtesy' towards males does not mean that we like or respect them. The pressures to like and 'honor' men in this culture are intense and all-pervasive. Some of us must employ culturally-accepted ways of relating in certain situations out of necessity for our survival. As is true with all oppressions, assimilation out of necessity only increases our invisibility.
• Separatists live with the added oppression of judgment, ostracism, and ridicule when we are out about hating men. It is usually much more acceptable for a non-separatist lesbian and definitely for strait womyn to express anger at men because they can usually 'balance' that with also expressing like or respect for some men.
• Do not assume that all separatists are of light-skinned/WASP/Northern European ancestry, thin, ablebodied, middle/upper class, and 'prime age' lesbians. There are dykes of color, fat dykes, Jewish, working class, disabled, physically challenged, very young and Old Gay dykes who are lesbian separatists. Many of us in fact struggle with added invisibility and not being taken seriously as separatists by other lesbians in our various communities as well as the larger lesbian community.
• If you are of light-skinned/Caucasian/Northern European ancestry do not assume that a Caucasian lesbian separatist is more racist than you are because she is a separatist. All 'white skinned' womyn have grown up with the benefits and privileges derived from racism. Likewise the charge that separatists are more classist, ableist, anti-semitic, etc. than other dykes and other people because we are separatists is a lie. As separatists we share the view that the oppressions that aim to destroy people who are of color, Jews, fat, physically challenged, mentally or emotionally disabled, old, etc. are abhorrent. We do not, however, have to like, trust, or want men in our lives in order to fight for a world free of these oppressions. We believe, in fact, that it is impossible for any total 'revolutionary' change to happen while womyn remain allied to men.
• Do not assume that an occasional womyn-only event should be plenty to satisfy separatists' needs. For one thing, most so-called 'womyn-only' events actually include boys. Being young, small, and dominated by adults' power does not make a boy female! An event, service, or space that is truly 'womyn-only' is rare, and events that are lesbian-only are almost totally nonexistent.
• Are you 'sick and tired' of hearing separatists' anger and grievances? Don't put your annoyance on us. Talk with other non-separatists, look at why you're threatened. Separatists are sick and tired of putting up day in and day out with other womyn--especially other lesbians--talking about and/or defending men and boys to us everywhere we go.

*Separatists Enraged Proud and Strong, San Francisco, CA. Based on "When you Meet a Lesbian: Hints for the Heterosexual Womon," taken from a poster by Day Moon Designs, Seattle, WA.