June 1st, 2006
My Last Rant on Femininity (for now)
I’ll say right up front that I’m cranky and defensive, so if you’re not interested in reading the cranky, defensive ranting of an unapologetic lesbian feminist separatist, you should navigate away from this blog immediately.
This rant is sparked by what is going on over at BB’s site, especially the comments section of her feminist cred post. I don’t know if any of what is being said there is directed at my previous posts, but I am heeding the advice I was given during the last brouhaha over this, and being specific about what I am responding to. Some commenters there, like catte and delphyne, have said awesome things, and I’m appreciative of them. I also want to thank BB for her latest post, Pandora’s Box which shows that she, at least, gets part of what I have been trying to say.
First of all:
1) I did not say, nor do I believe, that women are “participating in their own oppression” if they engage in beauty practices.
2) I did not say, nor do I believe, that you can’t be a radical feminist if you engage in beauty practices. I said, “I don’t call my collusion feminist, and I’m not going to let you get away with it either.” See? I collude. I admit it. I just don’t defend it as feminist.
One of the words that no one is saying in all this is the word “privilege.” Participating in beauty rituals, conforming, buys you privilege. It’s revokable privilege, absolutely—if you don’t do it, the privilege goes away, so it’s not the same as, for example, male privilege which men get by virtue of being male. Participating in beauty rituals also often brings a great deal of unwanted “positive” attention from men. It’s definitely one of those double-bind things—if you do conform, men see you as legitimate prey. If you don’t conform, men see you as someone to be ridiculed, abused, or attacked until you do. But nevertheless, if you are a woman who participates in the rituals of femininity successfully, you obtain privilege. You are seen as acceptable, or at least trying. You will get better jobs, and you will be better able to keep them. Femininity is not just about getting attention from men—it is about survival. Oddly enough, hardly anyone is talking about the economic necessity for women to conform to femininity; the complaints all focus on the beautiful liberal concept of “choice” and the supposed need for no woman, ever, anywhere, to feel bad about anything.
I understand that pointing out that [participating in femininity = colluding with patriarchy] hurts the feelings of women who are attached to the practices of femininity—just like pointing out the unfeminist nature of porn hurts the feelings of those who are attached to porn. And you should examine those hurt feelings. Part of having radical feminist politics is understanding that hurt feelings and guilt are often the result of our privilege being challenged. If a woman of color accuses me of engaging in behavior that reinforces white privilege, I’m probably going to feel guilty. But guilt is absolutely a counterproductive response, because it keeps me from being able to see the rightness of her critique, and figuring out what I can do to change. By cringing and whining about how bad critiques of femininity are making you feel, you are ignoring the fact that, as a woman participating in beauty practices, you get privilege in this culture that is not available to me and women like me, who do not fit even when we try.
Lesbians have been at the forefront of feminism from the get-go. Lillian Faderman wrote an excellent book, To Believe In Women, all about the first-wave contributions of lesbians—most of whom aren’t even acknowledged as lesbians by historians despite the fact that they had lifelong partnerships with women. The so-called second wave also had its staunch supporters in the ranks of the lavender menace. And on the micropersonal level, I spent hours designing anti-rape stickers for BB’s grassroots campaign (and anyone else who wants them) despite the fact that, as a woman who does not date men, live with men, or befriend men, who does not hang out where men hang out, my chances of being raped are miniscule. What’s the percentage of rapes perpetrated by strangers again? I know lesbians who are at the forefront of the abortion rights movement, even though their chances of an unintended pregnancy are somewhere in the vicinity of the percentage of stranger rapes that result in conception. We do this because we are women; what’s good for women is good for us. But from the get-go it’s been, “But do you have to be so out?” “You’re alienating the straight women who don’t want to be associated with you.” When straight women (and lesbians) defend femininity, it’s a similar slap in the face to feminists like me, who’ve made ending women’s oppression our life’s work and who live day in and day out with the very concrete consequences of our failure or refusal to conform to feminine beauty standards.
“But women should be able to wear whatever they want!” Well, isn’t that a loverly idea. If you really believe that wearing makeup and feminine clothing is a choice, I invite you to live in my body for a day or two. First of all, even if I wanted to wear traditionally feminine clothing, it’s not available in my size. Clothing that comes in my size is ridiculously expensive, because I won’t patronize sweatshops like Lane Bryant and Roamans, so I’m sure all the Target and Gap shoppers out there would be horrified at the limited scope of my wardrobe. The availability problem extends to feminine and high-heeled shoes, which don’t exist in my size outside shops that cater to transvestites, and which my feet, legs and back would not tolerate even if I wanted to wear them. Then, even if I could find or afford conforming clothing, I can’t go outside in a tank top or a lacy little nylon camisole or those hip-hugger jeans that are all the rage now. The stares and outright ridicule I would receive for daring to bare my gigantic dimpled upper arms, my armpit hair, or my protruding belly and flat ass would be outrageous. Even when I go out wearing a pastel tie-dyed t-shirt, I still get called “sir.” And, despite my size, shape, and facial hair, I don’t think I’m particularly masculine in presentation or manner. There are many women, some lesbian and some not, who simply do not fit, and who never have, even as girls. When we attempt to pass, by wearing makeup and feminine clothing, we simply highlight our complete lack of feminine characteristics. Because the fact is, femininity tells LIES about women. Femininity is men’s idea of what women should look like, not a description of how women actually are—that’s why it’s so much freakin’ work. Femininity has nothing to do with femaleness, which is why drag queens and transsexuals are able to adopt it. And women who are unable and/or unwilling to do femininity convincingly have a life experience of ridicule and ostracization from men, avoidance and fear from other women for being lesbians (whether we are or not), and serious difficulty getting and keeping professional jobs regardless of our qualifications–all of which give the absolute lie to the assertion that conforming to femininity is a “choice.” As BB says, femininity, looking “pretty,” is a REQUIREMENT for women, and if one is unable or unwilling to conform, one’s life becomes seriously freaking hard. Do any of you who criticize me for supposedly imposing rules and uniforms realize that I have an undergraduate degree from a Seven Sisters college? And I’m typing medical reports. It’s not horrible, I earn an okay living, and I get to work at home so my inability to find and wear appropriate feminine attire isn’t as much of an issue. But my job probably doesn’t even require a high school diploma, and I have a master’s degree. I have never been able to get work in the field I’m trained for, and I don’t expect I ever will. Despite my many skills and qualifications, I simply do not look right. So, please, don’t spout that crap about how all women’s choices are equivalent, because it’s just not true. The simple existence of things like hot wax, tooth whitener, and weight loss surgery makes the existence of those of us who do not conform even harder. I mean, why would anyone have a mustache? Just wax it! Why would anyone be fat, when she could have her digestive tract mutilated? There’s no REASON to be ugly in this day and age! That’s the attitude you’re supporting when you defend women’s “choice” to conform to femininity.
Another thing that no one is picking up on is the link between consumerism and femininity, which I raised in my first post on the subject. The original purpose of femininity in the 50s was to get women to buy things. I mean, haven’t y’all SEEN “Mona Lisa Smile”? Doesn’t it concern you that women around the world are being exploited, poisoned, raped and murdered in the process of making the products that you want to dismiss as unimportant personal choices? Doesn’t it concern you that women are being poisoned by absorbing chemicals from makeup through our skin? That there’s a significant population of women who can’t be in a room with fragrance without being sick for a week? That our organs are being deformed by girdles? That we’re being chopped up by the medical industry for the profit of surgeons? That we’re being encouraged to think of ourselves as pieces of meat that can be put through the grinder until we come out in the appropriate shape? Doesn’t it concern you that, unless you buy all your beauty products at the health food store, which lots of women can’t afford to do, you are using products that have been tested on animals? All of you who have cute pictures of cats and bunnies on your blogs, all of you who are vegetarians and vegans, aren’t you worried about the torture of animals that has been going on for years in the service of the beauty industry? I don’t for a minute think that the beauty industry was started by women or serves women’s real interests, but do you really think it would be a multibillion dollar industry if women didn’t BUY THAT STUFF?
Here’s the thing. I’m a lesbian. If you’re straight, and passingly feminine, I do not have power over you. There’s no way I can tell you what to do, let alone make you do it. So it would be good for you to sit down and think about why you think I can. Why do you think it’s acceptable to discredit the feminism of women like me because we point out the ways you benefit from your ability and willingness to conform to men’s ideas of what women should look like? It doesn’t mean we think you’re responsible for the system, or that getting harassed by some yahoo because you look cute in your short skirt is what we think you’re after or what you deserve. But it’s a fact that women who’ve decided not to worry about pleasing men can see things about patriarchy the rest of you can’t afford to acknowledge. As I keep saying and saying, men aren’t going to change until we make them. We can talk about how horrible rape and battering and porn and prostitution are until we’re blue in the face, but at some point we have to figure out what we’re going to do about it. We have to figure out how we support the system and how to keep on removing our support, how to identify our common values so they can inform our vision of the world we want to make together. Practicing femininity and the rejection of femininity are not equivalent choices, just like heterosexuality and lesbianism aren’t equivalent choices. One choice is supported by everything around us from the day we’re born, and the other is derogated, ridiculed, and made as impossible as the powers that be can manage. I’ve worked really hard to be an ally to straight women, and I expect straight women who care about feminism to understand how their politics and attitudes affect lesbians, particularly those lesbians who do not fit the feminine stereotype.
I’ve been fortunate to find a way to survive pretty well despite my inability and unwillingness to conform to femininity, and I want to give a hand up to other women who can’t or won’t do the girly thing. Frankly, our survival is more important to me than protecting your feelings, and I can’t help other nonconforming women make it by pretending that “doing” femininity is some value-free “choice” rather than one more of patriarchy’s litmus tests for sorting us into the good girls and the bad girls.
