August 15th, 2008
Guest Blogger: “Learning to fight back changed my life”
As part of the ongoing series on self-defense and Fight Back! here at Feminist Reprise, I asked my friend Mel to write about her recent experiences with Shotokan Karate. Here is what she had to say, in her own words.
I’ve always been interested in the martial arts for as long as I can remember. It was especially enticing to me as a young girl because it seemed like a “boy thing,” and boy things were always so much more fun than girl things, like dolls and dresses. My family was way too poor for me to ever have a prayer of taking a class when I was kid, but when I got my own job I took lessons when I was about 18 years old. I remember being really scared because I couldn’t imagine that I could “really” do it, but I wanted to try.
So I plunged myself into kung fu for two years straight, and I loved it! I went to class two days per week and did my own kung fu workout at home three days per week. I was a very dedicated student. Even at so young an age, I knew that “you get out of it what you put into it,” just like anything else in life. I remember how it felt to “feel” really strong, to know I at least had a chance of defending myself if I were attacked. It wasn’t a cocky looking-for-trouble kind of thing. It was just a sense of sureness. And there was pride, too: Real pride, not false pride. There was a sense of self, and it carried through to so many things. The feeling of strength and sureness went so far beyond kung fu classes. For the first time in my life, I held my head high. I walked into a room and sat wherever the hell I wanted to sit. I met people eye-to-eye in conversation. I just had an indefinable sense of confidence about me. Of course, I didn’t realize any of this at the time. It’s only looking back that I know it. All I knew then was that I felt on top of the world and that I could handle any situation. I didn’t engage in dangerous behavior, but I wasn’t afraid anymore to engage in life.
So what happened next is kind of confusing. Why would someone who felt strong and capable allow herself to become weak again? But that’s exactly what happened to me. Life began hitting me between the eyes really hard, as it does to all of us in our early 20s. I got really busy with school and work and then no more school and then lots and lots of work. I stopped taking kung fu–the second biggest mistake I’ve ever made. I went through an unending series of abusive relationships with men that slowly but surely chipped away at my confidence. It happened so slowly, though, I didn’t know it was happening. The effects were cumulative. One bad thing led to another. One bad man led to another. Then I got married to a man I knew shouldn’t have married, but I was SO beaten down at that point, I didn’t know what I was doing. That was THE biggest mistake I’ve ever made. Then I had a child, which when I was pregnant I thought was a huge mistake, but is now the brightest treasure in my life. So I guess something good came out of my marriage after all. Something else “good”–depending upon how you want to look at it–came out of my marriage too: I got beaten down so badly that I wanted to die. When you’re at rock bottom, there ain’t nowhere to look but up, so that was a good thing.
I’d thought on and off over the years about kung fu and how I’d love to take it again. But part of the beating down from my marriage–and especially from society in general–was that I thought it was “too late” for me. I was too old. I was too slow. I was too fat. I was too stupid. So I didn’t pursue it. By chance, my daughter’s Tai Kwon Do teacher spoke abusively to her (What are the chances?! sarcasm sarcasm!), and I took her out of the class. I enrolled her in a new Shotokan karate school and, to allay her fears at starting in the new class, I told her I’d take lessons too. I figured I’d only do it for a few weeks or a couple of months. I’d been a hermit for more than 10 years at that point and didn’t even know how to interact with people anymore. Going to that class for the first time was one of the scariest things I’ve ever done. I thought I would cry, but I went. It turns out–once again–that I loved it! I was terribly out of shape for it, huffing and puffing. I was so sore the next day, I couldn’t move. But I loved it.
Since then, I’ve become nearly obsessive with Shotokan Karate. I’ve gotten into really great shape, something I truly believed was impossible at age 44 because, well, you know, it was “too late” for me and I was too old, right? Twenty pounds fell off of me in a few months. No, that was not intentional. I am still eating quite a bit. And, more importantly, I have packed on lots of muscle, and hence strength. It occurs to me that ageism is a truly horrible and insidious thing in our society. It creeps up on you–no matter how strong you think you are–until you start believing all the bullshit you hear. You’re too old to work out hard. You’re too slow because you’re old. You’re too fat because you’re old. You’ll get injured because you’re old. What a lie. I’ve discovered that you’re never too old to push yourself and learn something new. And young people can be slow and out of shape and get injured and have heart attacks, etc., just as much as older people can.
It’s all a LIE, a lie designed to make people feel unsure of themselves and not reach their full potential (something we women are dreadfully familiar with). Yeah, sure, I might be a second or two slower than a teenager when I practice my karate (actually I am in better shape than most of the teens in my class). So? I’m not joining the Olympics. Yeah, I have some aches in my knees. I wear neoprene braces during class and then massage them afterwards. There are teens who wear braces in class too. Yeah, my hips crack a lot. So do everyone’s. Yeah, I threw my back out once. I was okay in a couple of days. Oh, I did that with the laundry basket by the way, not during karate class. Learning new things takes a little longer, but I find I learn just fine. Recovery time definitely takes longer, but it happens just as it ought to. There are a few limitations here and there. I just work around them. Should I stop when confronted with the first difficulties? No.
And that’s part of the beauty of martial arts. It’s not just about the physical fight. It’s about fighting the “good fight.” It’s about self defense in so many ways, not just if someone attacks you and tries to take your purse or rape you. It’s about demanding from life what you need and want and expecting to get it. It’s about holding your head high. It’s about setting boundaries in your personal relationships and then “defending” those boundaries.
I now know that my marriage is pathetic. All those years I wasted (defenseless) trying and trying….. Part of “defending” myself is deciding what I’m going to do about that. I’m not sure what I’m going to do yet, but I am absolutely certain that I can’t just lie there and take it anymore. Until I make up my mind, I have instituted certain defenses. I have drawn boundary lines. I will not allow myself to get involved in any more fights with my husband. When he gets irate, I shut him right out and tell him I will not listen to him. I’m not afraid of retribution. I don’t cower at his anger anymore. I don’t run around constantly cooking and cleaning like the good little slave. I do my share of work, sometimes, and call it quits. I don’t dote on him anymore.
Same thing goes for my family. I’m done playing my part in the world’s most dysfunctional family. I simply will not participate in any of the games. When the crap begins, I just say no. There is no more “he said, she said” bullshit. The weird thing is, I’ve tried instituting boundaries before and defending them with my husband and my family. Zillions of times. But it never worked. Now, however, it is working. Why? I’m not totally sure. I must be exuding something. They all know that I really mean business this time, and because of that my life has changed dramatically for the better.
My confidence level has skyrocketed. Not cocky, mind you. Not looking for a fight. It’s just if someone does pull something on me, they might be in for a surprise. Unless an attacker is trained, and not many are, I stand just as good a chance as him–and probably a much better chance–of coming out the winner. I have no illusions about myself. I am 5′ 2″ and weigh 125 lb. I’m no Hulk Hogan. A good strong wind can knock me on my butt. If I can run away from a physical confrontation (the best option, by the way), that’s what I’ll do. If I can talk my way out of a physical confrontation, that’s what I’ll do. But I WILL get out of a physical confrontation, and I’ll be okay. I can block an assault really quickly. I’ve got an awesome punch. I’ve been educated about the best places to hit an aggressor, which can make all the difference. And even though I’m small, I’m really strong! Chances are, now that I’m more physically and mentally aware, the confrontation will stop before it ever starts because I don’t carry the victim persona anymore. I am much more alert and aware of my environment. In short, I’m not “easy pickings” anymore. I’m not blaming people who are or have been victims here. I’m just saying that that’s not me anymore.
As an aside, as my mental and physical health has improved, so have many other things. I thought I was dead sexually. I hadn’t felt true sexual desire in 10 years or more. Again, that’s all part of that age thing and also because of the situation I lived in. Well, it seems that love is “perennial” after all, and my desire has also skyrocketed. I now have sex with my husband on MY terms when I can stand it (read that as when I get desperate) and will have to do something about that soon, too. 
My eyes have been opened and I see and want to interact with others again. That’s the healthiest I’ve felt in a long time. I eat better than I used to. I always had a pretty good diet, but now it’s no longer work. Now I just gravitate to what’s good for me–not what society says is good, all that low fat bullshit!–and stay away from what makes me feel badly. That’s self defense too. Best of all, I feel like I’m FINALLY setting a good example for my daughter. And the best is yet to come. We’ve got some difficulties we’re going to go through, but someday when she’s older she’s going to say, “Wow! How did mom get through it all?! She’s amazing!” Instead of, “Why didn’t mom do something about all this crap?!”
Lastly, I want to say that I’ll never forget in high school when we girls were old enough, a video was played for us so we could understand what we were up against when we got out into the wild and cruel world. It was shown to us to “help us.” I should mention that I went to an all-girls Catholic high school, and we Catholic girls were trained from birth on to be uncomplaining “vessels” of the patriarchy. Now, after completely disabling us, they decided to show us just how vulnerable we were and scare the heck out of us! Anyhow, it was a sort of documentary interviewing men in prison. They were in prison for the violence they committed toward women. Some of them seemed regretful or embarrassed, but most of them were cocky and rude. One man in particular–I’ll never forget because I was so petrified!–sneered and said that if the woman had just done what he said (not scream), she would be alive today. In other words, it was HER fault she was dead because she didn’t do as she was told. I was just a young girl and I thought, “Why didn’t she just listen to him and do as he said? At least she’d be alive.” Good training for slavery, huh?
That video has stuck in my mind all these years. I’ve never been able to forget it. I can’t help but wonder how many women would be alive or would have escaped injury altogether if they had the skills to defend themselves and the confidence to use those skills. Make no mistake about it, of course: The martial arts do not make one invincible by any stretch of the imagination, and for the most part men are dramatically physically stronger than women. But I have to believe that some sort of training, self defense, confidence, etc. can only help. Granted, it’s a Band-Aid to the violence in our society, but every little bit helps. And how often do we hear in criminal profiles that the perpetrator almost always picks someone he knows for certain will not fight back? He doesn’t want to get hurt, and he doesn’t want to have to work too hard. My feeling these days about that video they showed me in high school is that it was just more training to do as I was told. If an assailant is going to kill me, I at least want to go out fighting.
